Derek the Hermit Crab claims to have "lost his temper after being pissed on one too many times."
FARRINGTON, MD - A popular hermit crab from the waters off Farrington has been charged with cutting off the penis of a 47-year-old man out for a morning swim on Sunday. Derek the Hermit Crab claims to have lost his temper after yet another episode of the same man urinating on his dwelling.
Witnesses at the beach say they saw Derek “grabbing onto the swimmer’s pecker and not letting go till the pecker came off.” Derek, however, feels his attack was justified.
“First of all, that guy’s dick is the smallest thing I have ever seen,” said the popular hermit crab amidst cheers from supporters. ”It’s a disgrace. I think I was doing the guy a favor. I mean, I’m a hermit crab and I had no problem chopping that sucker off.”
Police did not identify the victim, who had managed to get his johnson on ice after the incident. Surgeons were unable to reattach it because of the extent of the damage. The victim said he plans to sue the Town of Farrington, the US Coast Guard, Derek the Hermit Crab, and everyone who was cheering Derek on during the incident.
“Ya know, it’s a shame the guy had to lose his piece,” Farrington Police Chief Cliff Meyers said in a prepared statement. “Derek is innocent until proven guilty and he’ll receive due process. It’s basically a property dispute and they’ll settle it in court.”
Derek the Hermit Crab’s lawyer plans to fight this case “as long as it goes” and claimed he wouldn’t be surprised if it eventually reached the Supreme Court.
“This case will serve as precedent in disputes where a popular hermit crab cuts off someone’s member and what happens when your home is continuously pissed on.”
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